God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
