I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
