Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
