i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
