i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
