so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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