Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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