genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He? As in you personified your dick?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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