youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
