I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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