Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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