do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
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who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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