y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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