Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
lets start a swedish sibling band together
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
