does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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