Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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