I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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