yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
