do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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