Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
