Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
