can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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