How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
