and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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