Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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