the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
