You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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