i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
