On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She's the barista slut.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
