i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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