I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
