Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
