You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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