"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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