The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
