my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
