I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
