Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
