we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
