I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
