Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
