So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
