I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
