I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
