Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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