I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize