The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
