god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
