Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
