John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
