Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
honey bunches of taint.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
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I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
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Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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