If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
