they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
