well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize