I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
