he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
