I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
