onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
