My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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