Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
