When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
