i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
