you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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