Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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