How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
